I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
. . . and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here . . ."
You know they call corn on the cob, "corn on the cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," they should call every other version "corn off the cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch." Then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together" . . .
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means . . . it's dirty.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.